One of the biggest and most far reaching changes I am experiencing is the realization that I must make my own choices.  This is big because I don't have any idea what I actually like or prefer at this time.  Everything I am has been created, shaped and formed to become what he wants me to be, what he wanted me to be.  


I can remember before SJ, that I was fairly neutral on chocolate - milk, dark, white - they each had their place and time and I don't remember having a stated or distinct preference for one over the other.  Then, our first Christmas together, someone gave me a bar of dark chocolate and SJ said "That's good.  She loves dark chocolate."  I can remember an immediate internal shift and thought "I love dark chocolate!"  


Call it brainwashing or training or anything else.  It doesn't matter.  All that mattered for me for the past 4 1/2 years is that if he said it, then it was.  His words spoke directly to my unconscious mind and created a world in which my every thought, conscious or unconscious, was for the purpose of aligning my will with his.  And so it was.  


I have no idea if I like a bitter salad dressing, less oil and more vinegar.  I have no idea if I like tomatoes, alone they still taste like raspberries to me.  


I know I enjoyed music before SJ, I know I listened to a lot of the same music before we met as we did when we were together, and yet, am I listening with the same ear?  Is it my taste or his taste?  


For years, I have stated that if a girl can do anything but kneel she should.  If you can walk away, you should.  This is not easy.  It isn't easy to be a slave and it isn't easy to discover who you are when your time as a slave has ended.  


The pervasiveness of his influence may never fully be known or come to a conscious awareness.  This leg of the journey will be incredibly lengthy, difficult and fraught with uncertainty.  When I talked to him of this, he told me it sounded like an exciting adventure.  


For one who has been so fearless in so many aspects of life to be afraid in the face of the decision to shave or not to shave, is very disheartening.  The paradigm has shifted and I can no longer use the formatted "What would Master prefer?  What would Master choose?  What would Master do?" as my guiding principle.


Now, the guiding principle must be "What is best for me?  What do I like?  How will this benefit me?"  


I know that by making these decisions with intention is key.  It would not be beneficial to simply react and choose the opposite of what SJ would choose.  I move forward by making choices with a bigger picture in mind and that bigger picture is about serving myself first.  That's something I've never done before.  I can't remember ever putting myself first.  I can't remember ever saying "my needs are what is most important".  I'm just not wired that way, wasn't raised that way and making that shift will be one of the most difficult and challenging things I've ever done.  


Yet it is necessary for me to move forward, to put this relationship in my past and discover all the wonderful things about myself which have long been dormant.  The time is now and my future is for me.


Resolutely speaking ~ KM Kern