Today has been a mixed bag.  I was able to get a few things done, but have also spent too much time on the couch.  I think this vacillation is just one aspect of accepting the changes which are occurring.  I have enough energy for some things and then it wanes and I am left bereft again.


It is so easy sometimes to quiet my mind and get things done and at other times, my mind races like a film being rewound and I see so clearly where I should have chosen the blue pill instead of the red pill.  Would that I could be reinserted and wipe this painful two weeks away.  


But that isn't reality and the unfortunate reality is that we are no longer together.  WE are no longer.  It is just SJ and it is just me.  Just him.  Just me.  


We no longer will share that infinite connection,a  connection which bound us so strongly that I knew when he was sleeping, I knew when he was awake.  I was Santa Claus in pigtails.  Yes, I knew when he had been bad or good, or at least when he held that perception of himself, his day, his thoughts, his words, his deeds.  Across the 20 miles which separate us, across the span of time, I could feel him and his moods and be insanely happy for him or overwhelmed with concern.  


And then there came a time when I was less attuned, when I was less intentional in my service, when the cares and concerns from my own life took precedence over the needs, wants and desires of the one I served.  And that time lasted for far too long a period.  


While SJ says this was not the cause or primal cause or only cause of our demise, I am having trouble letting go of that part of the past, that part that fills me with the most gut-wrenching regret.  


But I try, each day, to let it go.  I try with each breath to renew my soul and restore some of that faith in myself.  I know I will need it, strength, faith, belief, in order to persevere.  In between times of energy, I rest and try to divert my immediate thoughts into the pages of a good book or film.  Sometimes it works as it did last night with LA.  Today my success in that arena has been spotty.  


I will try to rest.  I will rest, continuing to look for other avenues to fortify my will and strengthen my resolve. Good friends and good conversation helps too.  


breathing in and out ~ KM Kern