Motivation comes from many sources.  Last night, I received an unexpected and most welcome motivation in the form of a new nickname.  I am the "Nuclear Bomb of Awesome."

My best girlfriend, LA, anointed me thus, and I love it.

This past week has seen a range of emotions.  I've experienced incredible highs and the depths of melancholy and depression.  Regret reared its ugly head and pain was present more often than I care to admit.  Loneliness and longing ebbed in like a fog creeping into my conscious.  But there was happiness and joy and there was movement forward and there was and is a sense of direction.  (Does anyone else hear "The Race is On"?)

There has also been a sense of ownership.  Of me owning me.  This is new, almost forbidden, an uncharted territory waiting to be explored.  It is scary and thrilling and daunting.  Yet it is also empowering, beautiful, inspiring.  It is all of these at the same time.  I hold all of these in my hands and know that it is possible to experience all of these emotions, and a host of others, within me, within my grasp, and look towards my future with less hesitation and more integration.

I am becoming me.

For so long all, each and every part, of my becoming was for him.  It was both from and for him.  And now, that motivation is gone, it know longer exists.  I've been through a spate of erroneous assumptions, things like, "if I just accomplish X which he wanted - then he will want me back", but the reality is that we had our time and whatever is left undone for HIM, will remain undone for him, for that time that reality is ended.

What I am finding interesting though, is the knowledge that some of what is unaccomplished are things I actually want for myself.  So then I can turn off the whispered recriminations and wholesale disposal and remember that what I want matters.  What I want matters.  What I believe matters.  What I desire matters.  What I need matters.

This is my journey and I choose the path based on my own beliefs, based on my own needs, and based on this, these things, I can chart my own course and seek out that which enlightens me.