So he called tonight, out of the blue, said he just wanted to catch up.  We talked about ORF, and upcoming events, and SXSW and his plans for the weekend.  It was good to hear his voice, but it was also difficult.

I managed to maintain some boundaries and not jump into my pattern of volunteering to go help clean TWK or anything like that.  So that was good.

It was difficult though.  Difficult to hear his voice and not sink back into that magical place of bliss, not check out hypnotically and just let that voice wash over me once again, that voice, that incredible voice.

A week, hell maybe the day before we broke up, maybe that morning, I'm not sure anymore, we had this kind of cute conversation about whether I would trade his voice or his body for someone else.  Most of the options I chose his voice.  When we got to Elvis, it was more of a toss up.  That's about as close to the perfection of SJ's voice as they come.

I did make one error when we spoke.  As a way to carry the conversation forward, I asked him about his weekend, what he did.  He told me he went to Galveston.  I know it wasn't to visit the coast as he is fairly anti-water.  He said it was to "break his pattern".  Which I can understand, after all, Sunday was a holy day for us, the day we spent together, immersed in one another.  As much as possible, we tried to hold that without allowing the outside world to enter.  Oftentimes, it did, and sometimes, that was okay.  Like ROPE Sundays and other events.  We knew what we had to do and took the time in our rituals to connect.

I say it was an error because I know he went there to be with someone else.  It's none of my business what he did or with whom and intellectually I know that.  Emotionally it is a bitter pill to swallow.  Emotionally it hurts to know that so soon after our end he has a new beginning.

And yet, it is okay too.  I will have new beginnings eventually and some may come naturally and some may feel forced and some may be old friends with new aspects added.  I don't know what they might be, but my unconscious mind will sort that out when the time is right.

It's just not right for me yet.

LA posted this tonight, "The only thing sweeter than surrendering to hypnotic control is when the "holy shit" awesome melts into passive unthinking bliss."

That is something I may never know again.  At this point, I can't imagine ever being hypnotized again.  And it's my favorite kink, one of my favorite things in the whole world and right now it seems like an absolute impossibility.  As if I may never be able to let go and let someone into my mind to mold and create new things in my unconscious the way he did.  It's things like this, these realizations, that make me weep for wont of him, as I weep now.

These last two days have been full of weeping.  Tonight was my first taste of any anger and there was no need for it.

I know I will be happy when he finds someone better suited to him than I was, when he finds the missing piece of himself and embraces it without fear or reservation, when he opens up to another and becomes complete, things he could not do with  me.  I truly do want happiness for him.

Now, I also want happiness and fulfillment and joy and contentment and commitment and harmony for myself.  Not just immersing myself in another in an attempt to become what they want, but being my own person, self-realized and self-actualized, with a purpose and passion of my own choosing.

Perhaps that means I won't ever be hypnotized again, perhaps at this point I simply can't be.  That would be my unconscious mind setting its own boundaries.  It certainly is not something I will attempt to seek.

Tonight's change was creating a profile for OKCupid, a bit reactionary maybe, but it was good to talk about me and what I want.  That's not something I've ever been particularly comfortable doing.  I like telling stories and I love being the center of attention as an entertainer, but even that feels like it isn't about me, but about the enjoyment of the audience.

I survived the call and I'm sure there will be many more things that feel like survival before they feel ok and before they feel like thriving.  One step at a time.

"Galveston, oh Galveston" ~ KM Kern