Tonight's change was very uplifting.  Difficult but uplifting.  I took every piece of clothing SJ ever gave me as well as the pieces I had purchased to wear for him and put them away.  They are all stored neatly in a box which will both preserve them and remove them from my day to day options.  


No more girly dresses, no more cute t-shirts, no more footie pajamas, no more gothic lolita.  I doubt I will ever be 6 again.  


Being 6, allowing the little girl inside of me to 'come out and play', was very enlightening for me, very entertaining for him, but for now she must be put away, along with her dresses, her coloring books, and her little bows and ribbons.  


I also took down and tucked away two very important paintings in my home.  The first was the one I painted immediately, compulsively, upon waking after the first night I met SJ.  That was a magical night.  One I will never forget.  The painting itself is a chaotic dream of swirling miasma.  I love it, have loved it, and have enjoyed looking upon it and remembering that night.  I wanted nothing more than to sit with him all evening but didn't want to take up his time.  After all, he was the host and this was his birthday party.  Every 15 minutes or so, I would walk through the party looking for him, chancing upon him, and sit and converse for a few moments.  This was after that magical introduction underneath the light in the living room.  This was after that first serendipitous scene under the bar in the rope room.  This was bathing in the aftermath of what was a momentous first meeting.  


The second painting was the first gift SJ ever gave me.  It was a spontaneous gift.  We were walking through Antique Marketplace, which, in its original incarnation, I was once upon a time the manager.  We looked at boots and furniture and dinner ware and all sorts of things.  As SJ pulled off a pair of boots, he gazed across the way and asked "Would you like that?"  I glanced at a wall of hangings, portraits, paintings and photographs and knew immediately which one had caught his eye.  


Black framed on a red background, a 40's style pin-up, demonic siren sits.  Below her the words are emblazoned, "Good Girl".  


I turned back to him, nodding my head over and over again, "Yes, Sir, please."  I looked up at him through my 6 year old eyes, awed at the idea that he might buy me this painting, this gift.  For the 2 1/2 years since I've received it, it has hung over my bed and has been a part of my nightly ritual to gaze upon her and appreciate her.  For I do appreciate all that he has given me, truly, and now it is time for her and so many other things to be tucked away, to be preserved, so that in the future, I may retrieve them and gaze upon them once again.  


I have retained the use of many things he has given me; various kitchen implements, a flat-screen TV, and a pair of earrings.  The kitchen items, pots, bowls, a mixer and so on, I will enjoy and use them as they were intended to be used.  The TV, well, quite frankly my son would kill me in my sleep if I put it away.  I do enjoy it too.  It's quite lovely.  


The earrings, well, they are special to me and I've decided that I'd like to continue wearing them for a long while.  To keep them with me, these will be my immediate touchstone to SJ.  They are light green and lovely and he purchased them for me at the Hope Farmer's Market  They are a reminder of so many different pieces of our life, so simple and yet imbued with so much meaning.  


For all I am and will ever be, I thank you for your contributions to my consciousness.


Love ~ KM Kern