I find things to fill my time.  I remember when I first met SJ, how incredibly busy he seemed to be, Toast Masters, NLP, with music, playing in bands and seeing shows, and then all of the varied community projects he seemed to have.

At the time, I didn't understand it.  I believed that anyone who had filled their time with so much stuff must not enjoy or want to be alone, must be doing this simply to have some thing to do.  But now, I'm starting to get it.

When we first met, he was in the process of an extensive personal growth cycle, much of which had catalyzed as his last two poly relationships were nearing their close.

It has been difficult to assimilate the notion of moving on, and by looking for new things to explore, I "try on" different activities and interests to find what fits me best.  So I'm exploring and learning and soaking up experiences, much as our drought stricken soil soaks up tonight's rain.

This Wednesday holds a two-fold promise of opportunity.  I'm attending my first Zumba class, this just happens to be taught by my former personal trainer.  Afterwards, we are having dinner together.  He recently found me on OKCupid when I wrote a profile, one centered on me and what I want, what I desire.  Reconnecting with him is part of the good.  (I think I should make a Master list - no pun intended - of the good, all the positive changes which have sprung from this brief and bitter winter's break)  The connection is good for many reasons, not the least of which is that CAJ is someone who shares my love of sports.  I'm happy to know I can spend time with someone I already know as friend and if something else grows from it, well I welcome that new good as well.

I also recently RSVP'd in the affirmative to attend an NLP class taught by Terrill Fisher.  He is a great presenter, an improv junkie, and a truly special friend.  The class is on Brain Magic and I didn't have to read the description to know I wanted to be a part of this.  Terrill always brings something new to my view, to my map, to my life and I am sure this class will be no different.

Another event I am contemplating at this time, is a Gang-Bang party taking place this weekend.  SJ had invited me to TWK for a class and party being taught by a good friend of his, who will also be presenting at ORF this year, and part of me wants to attend.  The other parts of me are scratching at the walls of my guts and tapping out an SOS, letting me know that it's too soon to return.  Next month, it will be fine, this month - no.

So I think about this gang-bang party.  We attended one once and neither of us participated.  We watched, we shared our take, our two maps becoming one territory as we allowed our thoughts to seamlessly overlay one another through our words, and throughout the night, he kept his fingers wrapped around my forearm, above the wrist, clutching me and claiming me with this silent act.  I had never experienced anything like this from him.  This protective and possessive display.  When I queried a friend of his on the behavior, he said he  had never seen SJ act the way he did with me with anyone he had ever dated.  That gave me a warm, gushy feeling then and it still does.

Part of me recognizes that this is an opportunity to experience sexual gratification without any emotional entanglements, without worry of so many things, and just be in my body and let it be used until I can't think.  Fucked to stupidity, like fairer than she, FTS.  The parts of me that are terrified at the thought of having to go through some awkward first-time experience with fumbling fingers and insecurity relish the idea that I can just enjoy the sexual experiences and leave all the baggage behind.

Perhaps that is exactly the break I need, to break this pattern, with no concern of who initiates what and whether I'll be in trouble for doing something wrong and just knowing that I am free to enjoy this without worrying about the other person(s) pleasure.

It has been far too long since I was fucked to stupidity and so sore I couldn't walk the day after sex.  Perhaps this will break that pattern too.  I need to remember to seek the good and this may well be my next first, slightly terrifying step on the journey.

On my map, either choice is scary.  I'm scared to do this, to be a fuck toy for a group of men I don't know, and I'm scared to put off the inevitable time when I will fuck someone other than SJ.  The primary reason I want to go forward, experience this now and in this way, is to destroy that fear, that fear of being with someone else.  It is better to vanquish this now than let it fester and sicken me.  In this case, the path to healing lies in group sex.  Wouldn't it be great if doctors could prescribe that instead of antibiotics!  "Take two cocks and call me in the morning."  Or three or four or eight or ten...

This isn't just about the physical aspects of sex though, this is also about building my self-esteem.  recognizing that the lens through which SJ saw me, and therefore how I saw myself, is not how others see me.

And now, I can see that I am beautiful.  And now, I can see that I am sexy.  And now, I can see that I am desirable.  And now, I can see that I'm lovely and vivacious and bubbly and adorable and resplendent with sexual energy.  I am a light and people are attracted to me, to my light, not because I'm with some person in particular, but because I am what draws them.

I'm ready to let my light shine.

Beaming ~ KM Kern