We shared one last wonderful weekend together, experiencing the protocols and rituals one last time. One last pedicure, one last tea service, one last rope meeting, one last scene.
I thought it serendipitous that we ended up playing under the bar in the center of the rope room. Usually, we play beneath the hoist, but since there was such a large crowd, we played under the suspension bar. It is serendipitous because our very first scene, the first night we met, was also under that bar. It was special. It will always be special.
One of my changes, Friday's change, was to decide to be celibate for this 46 days, and for however long after was necessary for me to feel ready, whole and complete again. I've seen far too many people jump into a new bed to somehow assuage the pain of leaving the former. I want to be different. I want to care for myself in healthy ways, loving myself even if that means the only loving I get comes from myself. And my Hitachi.
Saturday's change was very positive and will serve me well to continue communicating in this way. I asked for what I needed. I was clear and concise and SJ agreed with me. It led us to this magical and intentional weekend. We might have floundered, looked for innocuous excuses to justify our parting, or simply drown in my tears had we not.
The biggest change on Sunday was that his collar was removed for the last time. In a very touching gesture, SJ presented me with collar and suggested that I keep it and that he would keep the lock. It is now tucked in a box, one once filled with the most delightful milk chocolates given me by a lovely Irish lass. The box has the cuffs he presented me, his collar, a lock of my tresses, the two beautiful notes he wrote to me and a photo of him at the age of 18, the age we first encountered one another at 21st street Co-op. As time passes, I know I will add certain mementos, certain touchstones to this little box so that when I want to experience these memories fully, I can open the box and relive special, endearing moments of our life together.
Monday's change was extremely significant for me personally and signals a huge first step toward individuation. I changed my FetLife and CollarMe profiles to reflect my new status. On FetLife, I took the time to discuss how I was feeling, how I felt about our weekend and saved my former profile for posterity so that when the need arises I can revisit it. I also changed my status to "Sadomasochist". What a departure! For the years between my relationship with my ex-husband/former Master, my time with Austin Sybian and throughout my time with SJ, collared or not, I have known I was a slave.
At this time, I cannot imagine ever wearing another collar, ever serving another man as I have SJ. I no longer consider myself a slave. For years, I swore that the next collar I wore would be my last. Then I wore his and know that it simply is not the right place for me anymore.
On Tuesday, I took a big leap. It is huge for me. I spoke to a Dom who I trust and respect and asked him if we consider playing with me when the time is right. I know I will need to experience that, to cross that barrier before SJ and I travel to Kansas City in April. This is a hurdle I must cross and I cannot think of anyone I trust or love more to share this with me. He agreed. It might be a couple of weeks before I am ready, though the idea of getting my ass beat all to hell sounds pretty great right now.
It has been so long since I played with, well bottomed to anyone but SJ or Boss. I had one notably amazing, spontaneous scene with Lee Harrington last July. It was magical. Because it was spontaneous, hot, in the moment, I did not have to work through the process of deciding to play; it just happened, organically.
This next time, this new time, it will be intentional. The intention will be one of reclamation. I will be reclaiming my own power of who I share my body and my experiences with. I know this man well and am sure that this is the right decision for me.
Today's change is a change of focus. I am actively planning what I will do this weekend. My first weekend without a collar, my first weekend to plan completely on my own. It is amazingly difficult to go from making so few decisions to making them all. All. Three little letters with such huge implications. I am responsible for all of my own decisions. That is a reality check of epic proportions.
I move forward today, looking back less and less and learning to enjoy the scenery ahead of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment