It's been an exciting day. I went to work after blogging this morning and felt that same incredible spiritual connection to this home. I so desperately want to live there, to own it, to preserve it and nurture it back to health.
From the moment I first walked into this house, about 6 months ago now, I knew there was a reason (other than just work, money, etc) for my being there. It felt right. It felt serene. It felt like it was mine. Already mine. I believe that even more now.
After the darkened last days, as if the sun would never shine again and all hope of continuing seemed lost, I returned to this home and immediately upon walking through the gate, I was at peace. A peace flowed through me as I gazed upon the back yard. The Chinese magnolia which line the far fence line were all in bloom, dropping fragrant white petals like snow on the ground. Their aroma drew me as much as their beauty. It was breathtakingly beautiful.
I experienced a sense of that peace, that serenity which washed over me like baptismal waters throughout the day and even now I can recall it, bring it back to me. Serenity, happiness, joy, these are amazing gifts and I am the humble recipient.
grace ~ KM Kern
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
It's been a few days since I felt able to post. Lots of changes have occurred during that time. SJ and I made it official, posting a letter to our friends and community about our decision to end our 4 1/2 year relationship.
We shared one last wonderful weekend together, experiencing the protocols and rituals one last time. One last pedicure, one last tea service, one last rope meeting, one last scene.
I thought it serendipitous that we ended up playing under the bar in the center of the rope room. Usually, we play beneath the hoist, but since there was such a large crowd, we played under the suspension bar. It is serendipitous because our very first scene, the first night we met, was also under that bar. It was special. It will always be special.
One of my changes, Friday's change, was to decide to be celibate for this 46 days, and for however long after was necessary for me to feel ready, whole and complete again. I've seen far too many people jump into a new bed to somehow assuage the pain of leaving the former. I want to be different. I want to care for myself in healthy ways, loving myself even if that means the only loving I get comes from myself. And my Hitachi.
Saturday's change was very positive and will serve me well to continue communicating in this way. I asked for what I needed. I was clear and concise and SJ agreed with me. It led us to this magical and intentional weekend. We might have floundered, looked for innocuous excuses to justify our parting, or simply drown in my tears had we not.
The biggest change on Sunday was that his collar was removed for the last time. In a very touching gesture, SJ presented me with collar and suggested that I keep it and that he would keep the lock. It is now tucked in a box, one once filled with the most delightful milk chocolates given me by a lovely Irish lass. The box has the cuffs he presented me, his collar, a lock of my tresses, the two beautiful notes he wrote to me and a photo of him at the age of 18, the age we first encountered one another at 21st street Co-op. As time passes, I know I will add certain mementos, certain touchstones to this little box so that when I want to experience these memories fully, I can open the box and relive special, endearing moments of our life together.
Monday's change was extremely significant for me personally and signals a huge first step toward individuation. I changed my FetLife and CollarMe profiles to reflect my new status. On FetLife, I took the time to discuss how I was feeling, how I felt about our weekend and saved my former profile for posterity so that when the need arises I can revisit it. I also changed my status to "Sadomasochist". What a departure! For the years between my relationship with my ex-husband/former Master, my time with Austin Sybian and throughout my time with SJ, collared or not, I have known I was a slave.
At this time, I cannot imagine ever wearing another collar, ever serving another man as I have SJ. I no longer consider myself a slave. For years, I swore that the next collar I wore would be my last. Then I wore his and know that it simply is not the right place for me anymore.
On Tuesday, I took a big leap. It is huge for me. I spoke to a Dom who I trust and respect and asked him if we consider playing with me when the time is right. I know I will need to experience that, to cross that barrier before SJ and I travel to Kansas City in April. This is a hurdle I must cross and I cannot think of anyone I trust or love more to share this with me. He agreed. It might be a couple of weeks before I am ready, though the idea of getting my ass beat all to hell sounds pretty great right now.
It has been so long since I played with, well bottomed to anyone but SJ or Boss. I had one notably amazing, spontaneous scene with Lee Harrington last July. It was magical. Because it was spontaneous, hot, in the moment, I did not have to work through the process of deciding to play; it just happened, organically.
This next time, this new time, it will be intentional. The intention will be one of reclamation. I will be reclaiming my own power of who I share my body and my experiences with. I know this man well and am sure that this is the right decision for me.
Today's change is a change of focus. I am actively planning what I will do this weekend. My first weekend without a collar, my first weekend to plan completely on my own. It is amazingly difficult to go from making so few decisions to making them all. All. Three little letters with such huge implications. I am responsible for all of my own decisions. That is a reality check of epic proportions.
I move forward today, looking back less and less and learning to enjoy the scenery ahead of me.
Positively speaking ~ KM Kern
We shared one last wonderful weekend together, experiencing the protocols and rituals one last time. One last pedicure, one last tea service, one last rope meeting, one last scene.
I thought it serendipitous that we ended up playing under the bar in the center of the rope room. Usually, we play beneath the hoist, but since there was such a large crowd, we played under the suspension bar. It is serendipitous because our very first scene, the first night we met, was also under that bar. It was special. It will always be special.
One of my changes, Friday's change, was to decide to be celibate for this 46 days, and for however long after was necessary for me to feel ready, whole and complete again. I've seen far too many people jump into a new bed to somehow assuage the pain of leaving the former. I want to be different. I want to care for myself in healthy ways, loving myself even if that means the only loving I get comes from myself. And my Hitachi.
Saturday's change was very positive and will serve me well to continue communicating in this way. I asked for what I needed. I was clear and concise and SJ agreed with me. It led us to this magical and intentional weekend. We might have floundered, looked for innocuous excuses to justify our parting, or simply drown in my tears had we not.
The biggest change on Sunday was that his collar was removed for the last time. In a very touching gesture, SJ presented me with collar and suggested that I keep it and that he would keep the lock. It is now tucked in a box, one once filled with the most delightful milk chocolates given me by a lovely Irish lass. The box has the cuffs he presented me, his collar, a lock of my tresses, the two beautiful notes he wrote to me and a photo of him at the age of 18, the age we first encountered one another at 21st street Co-op. As time passes, I know I will add certain mementos, certain touchstones to this little box so that when I want to experience these memories fully, I can open the box and relive special, endearing moments of our life together.
Monday's change was extremely significant for me personally and signals a huge first step toward individuation. I changed my FetLife and CollarMe profiles to reflect my new status. On FetLife, I took the time to discuss how I was feeling, how I felt about our weekend and saved my former profile for posterity so that when the need arises I can revisit it. I also changed my status to "Sadomasochist". What a departure! For the years between my relationship with my ex-husband/former Master, my time with Austin Sybian and throughout my time with SJ, collared or not, I have known I was a slave.
At this time, I cannot imagine ever wearing another collar, ever serving another man as I have SJ. I no longer consider myself a slave. For years, I swore that the next collar I wore would be my last. Then I wore his and know that it simply is not the right place for me anymore.
On Tuesday, I took a big leap. It is huge for me. I spoke to a Dom who I trust and respect and asked him if we consider playing with me when the time is right. I know I will need to experience that, to cross that barrier before SJ and I travel to Kansas City in April. This is a hurdle I must cross and I cannot think of anyone I trust or love more to share this with me. He agreed. It might be a couple of weeks before I am ready, though the idea of getting my ass beat all to hell sounds pretty great right now.
It has been so long since I played with, well bottomed to anyone but SJ or Boss. I had one notably amazing, spontaneous scene with Lee Harrington last July. It was magical. Because it was spontaneous, hot, in the moment, I did not have to work through the process of deciding to play; it just happened, organically.
This next time, this new time, it will be intentional. The intention will be one of reclamation. I will be reclaiming my own power of who I share my body and my experiences with. I know this man well and am sure that this is the right decision for me.
Today's change is a change of focus. I am actively planning what I will do this weekend. My first weekend without a collar, my first weekend to plan completely on my own. It is amazingly difficult to go from making so few decisions to making them all. All. Three little letters with such huge implications. I am responsible for all of my own decisions. That is a reality check of epic proportions.
I move forward today, looking back less and less and learning to enjoy the scenery ahead of me.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Circumstance has created a situation in which I am no longer with the one I love. I treasure the memories of the love we shared and will always hold him in the highest regards...no matter what you might read on later dates!
I see this as a record of my journey, this new journey into uncharted territory, a territory where I am the loci of my energy and attention, where I am the author of my own fairy tale (thank you Kelly Swanson) and where I am the Captain and Navigator of my own vessel.
For the next 46 days, I intend to share this journey of change, wonder and exploration as I discover who I am and what it is I want out of life and then bring that into being, completely and fully, in rich and vivid detail. I will be turning 46 on March 6, so in the midst of this 46 days, I, myself will be 46. The number of days happens to coincide to the Lenten season, which has held great importance to me for the majority of my life. 46 days commences today and ends on Easter Sunday and so like Jesus, the Phoenix and Stockard Channing, I too, shall rise anew.
I will make changes in five areas of life over these next few weeks and will share them here. The areas are: Emotional, Spiritual, Physical, Professional, and Home. The first four may be fairly obvious, the last refers to the physical site in which I reside. Lots of changes have occurred which grant me an opportunity to make some more changes and improvements to my domicile. All these changes, the failed attempts and the rousing successes, I will share here. Photos will be added as I have them in hand, or more likely, on the Blackberry.
This being the first day, I made the first, initial change: I cut off my hair. What once was long, lying over the shoulder blades, is now short, like K D Lang short, like Rhiana short. My 13 year old son said when he saw it "Your hair looks great! You're really starting to look like a dyke!" I had to explain why it was improper to use the term dyke, then I thanked him. He commented many times throughout the evening of how much he liked it.
I was not so pleased. It has been years, six in fact, since I saw a hairdresser on a regular basis. So I asked for and received recommendations from two women whose hair I admire greatly. SMH Didn't work out the way I had hoped.
I thought I gave a thorough but brief description of what I wanted, I thought I pointed to the appropriate pictures in the book, I thought she understood me and my desires. She scalped me. Scalped!
I asked for a short to mid length cut, rolling onto the collar, but not hanging on the shoulders, with layers framing the face, soft, feminine curls and instead I look like Johnny Depp circa 21 Jump Street. Minus the cheek bones...
Alas, I did not have time to color it tonight. That will wait for the morrow. Another day, another change.
As time passes, I will discuss more changes, some of the past and moving toward my future. My future, now that sounds good to me.
With pluperfect love ~ KM Kern
I see this as a record of my journey, this new journey into uncharted territory, a territory where I am the loci of my energy and attention, where I am the author of my own fairy tale (thank you Kelly Swanson) and where I am the Captain and Navigator of my own vessel.
For the next 46 days, I intend to share this journey of change, wonder and exploration as I discover who I am and what it is I want out of life and then bring that into being, completely and fully, in rich and vivid detail. I will be turning 46 on March 6, so in the midst of this 46 days, I, myself will be 46. The number of days happens to coincide to the Lenten season, which has held great importance to me for the majority of my life. 46 days commences today and ends on Easter Sunday and so like Jesus, the Phoenix and Stockard Channing, I too, shall rise anew.
I will make changes in five areas of life over these next few weeks and will share them here. The areas are: Emotional, Spiritual, Physical, Professional, and Home. The first four may be fairly obvious, the last refers to the physical site in which I reside. Lots of changes have occurred which grant me an opportunity to make some more changes and improvements to my domicile. All these changes, the failed attempts and the rousing successes, I will share here. Photos will be added as I have them in hand, or more likely, on the Blackberry.
This being the first day, I made the first, initial change: I cut off my hair. What once was long, lying over the shoulder blades, is now short, like K D Lang short, like Rhiana short. My 13 year old son said when he saw it "Your hair looks great! You're really starting to look like a dyke!" I had to explain why it was improper to use the term dyke, then I thanked him. He commented many times throughout the evening of how much he liked it.
I was not so pleased. It has been years, six in fact, since I saw a hairdresser on a regular basis. So I asked for and received recommendations from two women whose hair I admire greatly. SMH Didn't work out the way I had hoped.
I thought I gave a thorough but brief description of what I wanted, I thought I pointed to the appropriate pictures in the book, I thought she understood me and my desires. She scalped me. Scalped!
I asked for a short to mid length cut, rolling onto the collar, but not hanging on the shoulders, with layers framing the face, soft, feminine curls and instead I look like Johnny Depp circa 21 Jump Street. Minus the cheek bones...
Alas, I did not have time to color it tonight. That will wait for the morrow. Another day, another change.
As time passes, I will discuss more changes, some of the past and moving toward my future. My future, now that sounds good to me.
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