I'm a little down in the dumps to be quite frank. I feel as though all the people I love have let me go.
It all started with Pixie returning to college out of state. This was harder on me than I had anticipated and I ignored the signs of depression that were evident at a glance. I knew I loved her, knew I depended on her, knew she was incredibly important and at the same time I knew, and know, how important it is for her to finish her degree. I wanted her to go and I want her to be a great success. I just didn't know how much it would hurt.
Then in February, Kirk, ex-boyfriend, long-term friend with benefits, announced that he was giving up sex for lent. This didn't affect just me. He had to "break-up" with 8 women around the country. Still, it was hard to give up that part of our friendship, especially since sex with him was the only real sex I could depend on getting on a regular basis. Once, twice, three times a month, and it was good sex, too, and it had always been good between us and suddenly, that was gone.
One short week later, SJ and I ended our M/s relationship and I was devastated. Let's be honest, I still am. I love him, miss him, want him back, and I go through periods, sometimes days of crying because I hurt so much and there seems to be no surcease to this sorrow, no end to this pain. I want to call "RED!!!" and have this horrible break-up scene end so that we can be back together. My toenails hurt, my hair follicles hurt, my eyelids hurt, each individual vertebrae is in searing agony and this pain just won't go away. I've begged him to take me back, I've begged him to marry me. He won't - he doesn't want me back, is happier without me. And that's what really hurts, the knowledge that he never wanted me in that way, that he loved me as best he could, but had never thought of me as a forever partner. I see our friends, multiples of them, getting married, this year and next year and I think, that should be us, we should be together, we should be getting married, and then I know real pain. Yes, I'm a masochist and can take anything anyone can dish out, because I know what real pain is and crucifixion is less painful than this, trust me, I know.
In the meantime, I've begun a relationship with a dear friend and have put my foot so deep in shit with his primary partner that I have no hope that we will ever be able to recover from the muck and mire. There was so much potential and I let myself believe that we had a shot. It was not to be, cherie`.
And now, today, I got some news. My forever girl, my lovely Liz, my rock, is moving to Philly to be with her Master. Scott and I will get her two months at a time of each 6 month period. I know she needs to do this. I know it will be a great adventure and one that will allow her to grow. I know it is another nail in my coffin and I simply don't have the strength not to cry over this tonight.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm sitting here crying for the loss of Liz, for this loss on top of so many losses this year. Each of these partners, I release any bonds I had so that they can journey down whatever path towards personal growth and fulfillment that they need to hike. I mean that sincerely. I wish them all well.
Tonight I also grieve for the losses, far too many this year.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
My luv is like a red, red rose
I am the most blessed person to be loved by so many wonderful, amazing people.
For my Liz, my love, my forever girl...Thank you for always being the rational sounding board counter-balancing my irrationalities. Thank you for listening, for hearing and for speaking from your heart. You inspire me to aspire!
For my pixie, my sweet, my first girl...Thank you for shining and giggling and twirling and always, always, always lending a helping hand before I think to ask and before I know I need it. You inspire me to rejoice!
For my Elle, my purrer, my funny girl...Thank you for letting your light shine, for speaking your mind, for opening your heart and listening with both. Thank you for these wonderful beginning bonds of familial and familiar love. You inspire me to explore!
For my CJ, my friend, my Daddy...Thank you for your belief in me, in my beauty, and for your strong embrace which reassures me that everything will be better, and for your love which surrounds me through each and every contact - text, phone, music, and touch. Thank you for dizzying heights of orgasmic bliss and tender caresses of caring love. You inspire me to dance!
I am blessed to know each of you, to have you in my life, and to be inspired in these and so many other ways, each and every day.
Grateful for all the roses which bloom in my garden ~ fairer
For my Liz, my love, my forever girl...Thank you for always being the rational sounding board counter-balancing my irrationalities. Thank you for listening, for hearing and for speaking from your heart. You inspire me to aspire!
For my pixie, my sweet, my first girl...Thank you for shining and giggling and twirling and always, always, always lending a helping hand before I think to ask and before I know I need it. You inspire me to rejoice!
For my Elle, my purrer, my funny girl...Thank you for letting your light shine, for speaking your mind, for opening your heart and listening with both. Thank you for these wonderful beginning bonds of familial and familiar love. You inspire me to explore!
For my CJ, my friend, my Daddy...Thank you for your belief in me, in my beauty, and for your strong embrace which reassures me that everything will be better, and for your love which surrounds me through each and every contact - text, phone, music, and touch. Thank you for dizzying heights of orgasmic bliss and tender caresses of caring love. You inspire me to dance!
I am blessed to know each of you, to have you in my life, and to be inspired in these and so many other ways, each and every day.
Grateful for all the roses which bloom in my garden ~ fairer
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Daddy danced with me
My Daddy danced with me this morning. Out of the blue and out of the mists, he came by and moments after opening the door, he had swept me in his arms, kissed me passionately, kissed me sweetly, kissed me tenderly, kissed me with his whole body, his whole being, as he is wont to do.
Daddy pulled me close to him, his arms gathering me within his strong embrace and he danced with me.
We moved as one, our hearts beating, breathing in unison, stepping and swaying, so quietly, so entwined, as Amy Winehouse sang of love.
This is a new and wonderful relationship, Daddy and me. I find I relish every moment, each interaction, each emoticon he creates and he creates in me such wonder, for how is it that I was blessed with this, this friendship, this relationship, this man, this Daddy.
He is loving and caring and nurturing and he is perverted and sexual and powerful and he takes my breath away with a sentence and then with his hand so much so that the air I breath comes from him and fills me with a light I would not have believed possible. My imagination, my creativity, my wonder and awe at all the possibilities this world holds have become limitless both in scope and power and I feel free to explore in ways I've never known.
There is a permissiveness in his love which allows me to explore all the wonderful dreams of what might be and how immense my options are which is tempered by this knowledge that no matter what happens, good - bad - otherwise - missteps and mistakes, my Daddy is here with a welcoming and ready embrace to rejoice in my joys, comfort my woes, guide my way and love me unrelentingly.
Relentless love, it is love without fear and without judgment and without ceasing. There is a quality to this man which bespeaks of great willingness to both inspire and be inspired. Ours is a two-way street of dreams.
For all of my adult life, I have been the care giver in relationships, the one tending to the needs of the other. In his, he has too. What a gift to find someone who cares and cares for me! For him as well. I told him that sometimes Daddy needs pampering too.
I long to serve him, to fetch his slippers when he comes home from work, to make his coffee in the morning, to bring him breakfast in bed, to bathe him and worship him and adore him with every fiber of my being and every ounce of my strength and every beating of my heart. I long for this in a way that is both familiar and foreign.
The desire to serve is familiar. In many ways, I believe that service is a primary calling for me. The need to serve the needs of another is simply part of my being, as natural as the next breath. The desire to serve him is foreign because I've never had someone take care of me before, not on this scale and to this extent. I've never been with a man who thought of me first, from a nurturing and controlling aspect. Ceding control to him is like sharing a coke with Mean Joe Green. It's not that you don't want your coke, you do, but you can see that it will be better, a 'good' will occur, for both parties, when you give your coke away, when you cede control of the coke to Mean Joe Green. And you do, without hesitation and without reservation, and I've discovered with Daddy, that the rewards are beyond even the value of a Hall of Fame, Superbowl winning, Pittsburgh Steelers' Jersey.
Awakening the knowledge and belief that I am sexy and beautiful and desirable and attractive and inspiring and responsive and caring and loving and empathetic and supportive and so many other awarenesses that he has awakened, so many other belief bonfires rekindled, so that I am ablaze with renewed confidence.
I love my Daddy.
~ His babyboo
Daddy pulled me close to him, his arms gathering me within his strong embrace and he danced with me.
We moved as one, our hearts beating, breathing in unison, stepping and swaying, so quietly, so entwined, as Amy Winehouse sang of love.
This is a new and wonderful relationship, Daddy and me. I find I relish every moment, each interaction, each emoticon he creates and he creates in me such wonder, for how is it that I was blessed with this, this friendship, this relationship, this man, this Daddy.
He is loving and caring and nurturing and he is perverted and sexual and powerful and he takes my breath away with a sentence and then with his hand so much so that the air I breath comes from him and fills me with a light I would not have believed possible. My imagination, my creativity, my wonder and awe at all the possibilities this world holds have become limitless both in scope and power and I feel free to explore in ways I've never known.
There is a permissiveness in his love which allows me to explore all the wonderful dreams of what might be and how immense my options are which is tempered by this knowledge that no matter what happens, good - bad - otherwise - missteps and mistakes, my Daddy is here with a welcoming and ready embrace to rejoice in my joys, comfort my woes, guide my way and love me unrelentingly.
Relentless love, it is love without fear and without judgment and without ceasing. There is a quality to this man which bespeaks of great willingness to both inspire and be inspired. Ours is a two-way street of dreams.
For all of my adult life, I have been the care giver in relationships, the one tending to the needs of the other. In his, he has too. What a gift to find someone who cares and cares for me! For him as well. I told him that sometimes Daddy needs pampering too.
I long to serve him, to fetch his slippers when he comes home from work, to make his coffee in the morning, to bring him breakfast in bed, to bathe him and worship him and adore him with every fiber of my being and every ounce of my strength and every beating of my heart. I long for this in a way that is both familiar and foreign.
The desire to serve is familiar. In many ways, I believe that service is a primary calling for me. The need to serve the needs of another is simply part of my being, as natural as the next breath. The desire to serve him is foreign because I've never had someone take care of me before, not on this scale and to this extent. I've never been with a man who thought of me first, from a nurturing and controlling aspect. Ceding control to him is like sharing a coke with Mean Joe Green. It's not that you don't want your coke, you do, but you can see that it will be better, a 'good' will occur, for both parties, when you give your coke away, when you cede control of the coke to Mean Joe Green. And you do, without hesitation and without reservation, and I've discovered with Daddy, that the rewards are beyond even the value of a Hall of Fame, Superbowl winning, Pittsburgh Steelers' Jersey.
Awakening the knowledge and belief that I am sexy and beautiful and desirable and attractive and inspiring and responsive and caring and loving and empathetic and supportive and so many other awarenesses that he has awakened, so many other belief bonfires rekindled, so that I am ablaze with renewed confidence.
I love my Daddy.
~ His babyboo
Thursday, March 22, 2012
It's been five days since I cried. That may be a record! Five days without a tear shed over him, over the loss. On Sunday, I saw him and we talked and for the first time I really knew that everything was going to be okay. I was going to be okay. I am going to be okay.
I saw him Saturday and I cried. We were just hanging out at SXSW with Mommy B, listening to music, commenting on the harmonies and the quality of the picking, drinking Shiner Light Blonde, and shopping in that way that we always did. "Hey, what do you think of this?" He bought a few things and I ended up with a t-shirt and nightie. It was good, but it was harrowing.
By the end of three hours, I was done in. I had had two Shiners and a hot dog. It was sunny, no water, and had eaten nothing prior to seeing him. All the emotion got tied up in knots and I cried. I had to leave. It was abrupt and the last thing he said was "I love you, baby." "I love you too, that's why this is so hard."
I think he moved on, made the emotional and psychological shift to friends, much more easily than I did. The kinesthetic pull was there, we held hands, hugged, kissed, talked, danced, and I tied his shoe laces, well that was Sunday.
The difference between Saturday's emotion and Sunday's appreciation actually took place Saturday night. I played with someone else. A dear friend took me to the depths of despair in a long, extremely intense scene. There was pain, so much pain and so many tears shed, and I needed every strike, every hit, every thrust, every cut, every weal and every bruise. My ass is still marked, the welts haven't healed, the bruises are deep enough to last weeks. It feels wonderful! And it showed me that I can move on, that I can experience pain and pleasure without being in service or enslaved, and probably most importantly, I can do all of these things with new people.
Once we went to a gang bang party, mainly because it was the host's birthday party and we were good friends with him. I didn't participate. SJ had a death grip on my wrist the entire evening. I loved it. Never before had he displayed any sense of ownership towards me, no sense of mine, until that night. That night, I knew I was his.
As we drove home that evening, we chatted back and forth, sharing our thoughts, and he told me he couldn't see me ever doing that, ever taking part in a gang-bang. The exception would be if he told me to do it. I nodded, said "Yes, Sir.", but in the back of my mind, I wondered. Was I the type of person who could have sex with so many strangers and not be battered emotionally as well as physically?
I decided to test that question. This weekend, I'm going to a gang-bang party and one of my goals is to see if I can do this. It's a big deal to have sex with anyone else let alone let 20 guys have their way with me. I plan on being blindfolded so I cannot see who is doing what to me, who is fucking me, who is fucking my mouth, my pussy, my ass. Just to become cunt all over and float in that space of being used, over and over again.
It may be too much for me, but I'm willing to give it a try. I am willing myself to do this, once again, to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can have sex again, that I can be with someone besides SJ. It may be rash, but I need to take this next step.
I also have a date Sunday night, to watch sports, eat wings and drink beer in Pluckers. The last time I was in Pluckers was with SJ and he triggered a massive orgasm as we sat at the bar. I don't know if that will happen Sunday, but it will be cool to hang with a friend, a very sexy friend, (who I just discovered is uncut and HUNG!) and get to know one another better.
So I have much to look forward to, much to be hopeful for, and much to be thankful for. I think most importantly, crossing these milestones puts distance between what was and what will be. Each step forward is not just a step away but also a step in the right direction.
Warm thoughts ~ KM Kern
I saw him Saturday and I cried. We were just hanging out at SXSW with Mommy B, listening to music, commenting on the harmonies and the quality of the picking, drinking Shiner Light Blonde, and shopping in that way that we always did. "Hey, what do you think of this?" He bought a few things and I ended up with a t-shirt and nightie. It was good, but it was harrowing.
By the end of three hours, I was done in. I had had two Shiners and a hot dog. It was sunny, no water, and had eaten nothing prior to seeing him. All the emotion got tied up in knots and I cried. I had to leave. It was abrupt and the last thing he said was "I love you, baby." "I love you too, that's why this is so hard."
I think he moved on, made the emotional and psychological shift to friends, much more easily than I did. The kinesthetic pull was there, we held hands, hugged, kissed, talked, danced, and I tied his shoe laces, well that was Sunday.
The difference between Saturday's emotion and Sunday's appreciation actually took place Saturday night. I played with someone else. A dear friend took me to the depths of despair in a long, extremely intense scene. There was pain, so much pain and so many tears shed, and I needed every strike, every hit, every thrust, every cut, every weal and every bruise. My ass is still marked, the welts haven't healed, the bruises are deep enough to last weeks. It feels wonderful! And it showed me that I can move on, that I can experience pain and pleasure without being in service or enslaved, and probably most importantly, I can do all of these things with new people.
Once we went to a gang bang party, mainly because it was the host's birthday party and we were good friends with him. I didn't participate. SJ had a death grip on my wrist the entire evening. I loved it. Never before had he displayed any sense of ownership towards me, no sense of mine, until that night. That night, I knew I was his.
As we drove home that evening, we chatted back and forth, sharing our thoughts, and he told me he couldn't see me ever doing that, ever taking part in a gang-bang. The exception would be if he told me to do it. I nodded, said "Yes, Sir.", but in the back of my mind, I wondered. Was I the type of person who could have sex with so many strangers and not be battered emotionally as well as physically?
I decided to test that question. This weekend, I'm going to a gang-bang party and one of my goals is to see if I can do this. It's a big deal to have sex with anyone else let alone let 20 guys have their way with me. I plan on being blindfolded so I cannot see who is doing what to me, who is fucking me, who is fucking my mouth, my pussy, my ass. Just to become cunt all over and float in that space of being used, over and over again.
It may be too much for me, but I'm willing to give it a try. I am willing myself to do this, once again, to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can have sex again, that I can be with someone besides SJ. It may be rash, but I need to take this next step.
I also have a date Sunday night, to watch sports, eat wings and drink beer in Pluckers. The last time I was in Pluckers was with SJ and he triggered a massive orgasm as we sat at the bar. I don't know if that will happen Sunday, but it will be cool to hang with a friend, a very sexy friend, (who I just discovered is uncut and HUNG!) and get to know one another better.
So I have much to look forward to, much to be hopeful for, and much to be thankful for. I think most importantly, crossing these milestones puts distance between what was and what will be. Each step forward is not just a step away but also a step in the right direction.
Warm thoughts ~ KM Kern
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I have too much energy. I can't sleep. I may go to Walgreen's here in a bit and grab a NeuroSleep. Those things rock.
I have too much energy and part of it comes from spending the evening with the Austin TNG group at their south munch. It's about 4 blocks from my house at a pretty cool bar. I hung out with friends, caught up with them, consulted on a couple of trivia questions.
One really hot girl, who I adore - both her and her male partner are just sexy as hell and smart and delightful to be around - asked if I would tie her up at the next TNG party. Sure, why not. I tried not to salivate openly. So then it became tying her up so he could beat on her and then it became tying her so we could beat on her. Oh, yeah, just kept getting better and better.
Met a few new people, folks I haven't met during my time 'away' and had some good conversations with them. That's always nice, getting to know someone new and looking for those areas of commonality.
Then, the Super Sexy girl came by with a scarf and I tied her up, attaching her wrists to her neck in a 10 second tie. It was fun, it was hot, it was sexy. I love impromptu scenes and ones which take place in bars and other public spaces are especially hornifying!
Then I had a more serious conversation with someone who has been a dear friend to SJ and I for a number of years. He's one of the most optimistic and least judgmental people I know. I enjoy his company so much and this was a great opportunity for us to connect on some new levels.
Finished the night discussing a fund raising idea I had a few months ago. I look forward to how this all pans out and how it develops. Should be one of the most kick-ass, original ideas for a fundraiser ever! I wouldn't be surprised if this makes this one guy famous. It has such awesome potential.
Came home, responded to a few things on FL, and had a really fascinating conversation with this lit professor that went on for almost an hour. He asked intelligent questions and we ended up having a really fabulous discussion.
Followed that with some great emails with friends, sharing what's been going on and how I'm doing and finding out how they are. Good stuff, important stuff, mundane and tawdry stuff. All good stuff.
So you can see, can't you, why I can't sleep yet. Too much good stuff all came to me in the last 4 hours or so. Yep, I think I'll run to Walgreens and get some NeuroSleep. Got a big day tomorrow - my first Zumba class! Yay!
bounce bounce bounce ~ KM Kern
I have too much energy and part of it comes from spending the evening with the Austin TNG group at their south munch. It's about 4 blocks from my house at a pretty cool bar. I hung out with friends, caught up with them, consulted on a couple of trivia questions.
One really hot girl, who I adore - both her and her male partner are just sexy as hell and smart and delightful to be around - asked if I would tie her up at the next TNG party. Sure, why not. I tried not to salivate openly. So then it became tying her up so he could beat on her and then it became tying her so we could beat on her. Oh, yeah, just kept getting better and better.
Met a few new people, folks I haven't met during my time 'away' and had some good conversations with them. That's always nice, getting to know someone new and looking for those areas of commonality.
Then, the Super Sexy girl came by with a scarf and I tied her up, attaching her wrists to her neck in a 10 second tie. It was fun, it was hot, it was sexy. I love impromptu scenes and ones which take place in bars and other public spaces are especially hornifying!
Then I had a more serious conversation with someone who has been a dear friend to SJ and I for a number of years. He's one of the most optimistic and least judgmental people I know. I enjoy his company so much and this was a great opportunity for us to connect on some new levels.
Finished the night discussing a fund raising idea I had a few months ago. I look forward to how this all pans out and how it develops. Should be one of the most kick-ass, original ideas for a fundraiser ever! I wouldn't be surprised if this makes this one guy famous. It has such awesome potential.
Came home, responded to a few things on FL, and had a really fascinating conversation with this lit professor that went on for almost an hour. He asked intelligent questions and we ended up having a really fabulous discussion.
Followed that with some great emails with friends, sharing what's been going on and how I'm doing and finding out how they are. Good stuff, important stuff, mundane and tawdry stuff. All good stuff.
So you can see, can't you, why I can't sleep yet. Too much good stuff all came to me in the last 4 hours or so. Yep, I think I'll run to Walgreens and get some NeuroSleep. Got a big day tomorrow - my first Zumba class! Yay!
bounce bounce bounce ~ KM Kern
I had a hard time falling asleep last night. The rain and the lightning were worth the lost sleep. The thunder, its constant, baleful moaning, was an aural feast, a tympannic delight, rolling across the contours of the city.
Without the crises of a fight, there is no residual anger to spawn a desire to 'win' the break-up.
Living well may be the best revenge, but there is no reason to seek revenge.
Living well for the sake of myself, simply because doing what is best and right and good for me is the best thing I can do in this time, that is a purpose to which I can ascribe.
As I move forward, and I do believe I am, slowly, surely, gaining confidence and momentum as I do, I begin to realize the best qualities in me and to recognize that those have always been my own strengths, independent of who I served.
When you find someone, as I did with SJ, who draws those qualities from you, brings them to the light, and creates an environment, a bed of fertile soil, which nurtures those qualities into the bloom of success and light, it can become tempting and too easy to then attribute those qualities to him, to fall into a trap of self-doubt where those qualities are only possible through him.
I see and understand the beautiful garden we created together and I also see that the qualities, the seeds if you will, are mine. Perhaps some are cuttings and some are seedlings for many of them are well-germinated. The power and ability and knowledge to plant them anew, to till my own soil and manifest success and light reside within me. Just as they reside in him. Just as the seeds stay with him too. Together we shared and created and what remains in each of us is inherently good. Our time together gave us each new strengths and abilities and knowledge.
That includes the strengths necessary to move forward independently. Independence. It is a difficult concept to embrace, this new shoot in my garden. For weeks, I tried to pluck it out like a weed. It continues to grow. Now I begin to see the beauty and grace of it, to treasure what this newly discovered light will bring to my life. I have not reached the point of rejoicing in it, I've accepted its presence, and I can acknowledge that with it, good will come.
well wishes ~ KM Kern
I find things to fill my time. I remember when I first met SJ, how incredibly busy he seemed to be, Toast Masters, NLP, with music, playing in bands and seeing shows, and then all of the varied community projects he seemed to have.
At the time, I didn't understand it. I believed that anyone who had filled their time with so much stuff must not enjoy or want to be alone, must be doing this simply to have some thing to do. But now, I'm starting to get it.
When we first met, he was in the process of an extensive personal growth cycle, much of which had catalyzed as his last two poly relationships were nearing their close.
It has been difficult to assimilate the notion of moving on, and by looking for new things to explore, I "try on" different activities and interests to find what fits me best. So I'm exploring and learning and soaking up experiences, much as our drought stricken soil soaks up tonight's rain.
This Wednesday holds a two-fold promise of opportunity. I'm attending my first Zumba class, this just happens to be taught by my former personal trainer. Afterwards, we are having dinner together. He recently found me on OKCupid when I wrote a profile, one centered on me and what I want, what I desire. Reconnecting with him is part of the good. (I think I should make a Master list - no pun intended - of the good, all the positive changes which have sprung from this brief and bitter winter's break) The connection is good for many reasons, not the least of which is that CAJ is someone who shares my love of sports. I'm happy to know I can spend time with someone I already know as friend and if something else grows from it, well I welcome that new good as well.
I also recently RSVP'd in the affirmative to attend an NLP class taught by Terrill Fisher. He is a great presenter, an improv junkie, and a truly special friend. The class is on Brain Magic and I didn't have to read the description to know I wanted to be a part of this. Terrill always brings something new to my view, to my map, to my life and I am sure this class will be no different.
Another event I am contemplating at this time, is a Gang-Bang party taking place this weekend. SJ had invited me to TWK for a class and party being taught by a good friend of his, who will also be presenting at ORF this year, and part of me wants to attend. The other parts of me are scratching at the walls of my guts and tapping out an SOS, letting me know that it's too soon to return. Next month, it will be fine, this month - no.
So I think about this gang-bang party. We attended one once and neither of us participated. We watched, we shared our take, our two maps becoming one territory as we allowed our thoughts to seamlessly overlay one another through our words, and throughout the night, he kept his fingers wrapped around my forearm, above the wrist, clutching me and claiming me with this silent act. I had never experienced anything like this from him. This protective and possessive display. When I queried a friend of his on the behavior, he said he had never seen SJ act the way he did with me with anyone he had ever dated. That gave me a warm, gushy feeling then and it still does.
Part of me recognizes that this is an opportunity to experience sexual gratification without any emotional entanglements, without worry of so many things, and just be in my body and let it be used until I can't think. Fucked to stupidity, like fairer than she, FTS. The parts of me that are terrified at the thought of having to go through some awkward first-time experience with fumbling fingers and insecurity relish the idea that I can just enjoy the sexual experiences and leave all the baggage behind.
Perhaps that is exactly the break I need, to break this pattern, with no concern of who initiates what and whether I'll be in trouble for doing something wrong and just knowing that I am free to enjoy this without worrying about the other person(s) pleasure.
It has been far too long since I was fucked to stupidity and so sore I couldn't walk the day after sex. Perhaps this will break that pattern too. I need to remember to seek the good and this may well be my next first, slightly terrifying step on the journey.
On my map, either choice is scary. I'm scared to do this, to be a fuck toy for a group of men I don't know, and I'm scared to put off the inevitable time when I will fuck someone other than SJ. The primary reason I want to go forward, experience this now and in this way, is to destroy that fear, that fear of being with someone else. It is better to vanquish this now than let it fester and sicken me. In this case, the path to healing lies in group sex. Wouldn't it be great if doctors could prescribe that instead of antibiotics! "Take two cocks and call me in the morning." Or three or four or eight or ten...
This isn't just about the physical aspects of sex though, this is also about building my self-esteem. recognizing that the lens through which SJ saw me, and therefore how I saw myself, is not how others see me.
And now, I can see that I am beautiful. And now, I can see that I am sexy. And now, I can see that I am desirable. And now, I can see that I'm lovely and vivacious and bubbly and adorable and resplendent with sexual energy. I am a light and people are attracted to me, to my light, not because I'm with some person in particular, but because I am what draws them.
I'm ready to let my light shine.
Beaming ~ KM Kern
At the time, I didn't understand it. I believed that anyone who had filled their time with so much stuff must not enjoy or want to be alone, must be doing this simply to have some thing to do. But now, I'm starting to get it.
When we first met, he was in the process of an extensive personal growth cycle, much of which had catalyzed as his last two poly relationships were nearing their close.
It has been difficult to assimilate the notion of moving on, and by looking for new things to explore, I "try on" different activities and interests to find what fits me best. So I'm exploring and learning and soaking up experiences, much as our drought stricken soil soaks up tonight's rain.
This Wednesday holds a two-fold promise of opportunity. I'm attending my first Zumba class, this just happens to be taught by my former personal trainer. Afterwards, we are having dinner together. He recently found me on OKCupid when I wrote a profile, one centered on me and what I want, what I desire. Reconnecting with him is part of the good. (I think I should make a Master list - no pun intended - of the good, all the positive changes which have sprung from this brief and bitter winter's break) The connection is good for many reasons, not the least of which is that CAJ is someone who shares my love of sports. I'm happy to know I can spend time with someone I already know as friend and if something else grows from it, well I welcome that new good as well.
I also recently RSVP'd in the affirmative to attend an NLP class taught by Terrill Fisher. He is a great presenter, an improv junkie, and a truly special friend. The class is on Brain Magic and I didn't have to read the description to know I wanted to be a part of this. Terrill always brings something new to my view, to my map, to my life and I am sure this class will be no different.
Another event I am contemplating at this time, is a Gang-Bang party taking place this weekend. SJ had invited me to TWK for a class and party being taught by a good friend of his, who will also be presenting at ORF this year, and part of me wants to attend. The other parts of me are scratching at the walls of my guts and tapping out an SOS, letting me know that it's too soon to return. Next month, it will be fine, this month - no.
So I think about this gang-bang party. We attended one once and neither of us participated. We watched, we shared our take, our two maps becoming one territory as we allowed our thoughts to seamlessly overlay one another through our words, and throughout the night, he kept his fingers wrapped around my forearm, above the wrist, clutching me and claiming me with this silent act. I had never experienced anything like this from him. This protective and possessive display. When I queried a friend of his on the behavior, he said he had never seen SJ act the way he did with me with anyone he had ever dated. That gave me a warm, gushy feeling then and it still does.
Part of me recognizes that this is an opportunity to experience sexual gratification without any emotional entanglements, without worry of so many things, and just be in my body and let it be used until I can't think. Fucked to stupidity, like fairer than she, FTS. The parts of me that are terrified at the thought of having to go through some awkward first-time experience with fumbling fingers and insecurity relish the idea that I can just enjoy the sexual experiences and leave all the baggage behind.
Perhaps that is exactly the break I need, to break this pattern, with no concern of who initiates what and whether I'll be in trouble for doing something wrong and just knowing that I am free to enjoy this without worrying about the other person(s) pleasure.
It has been far too long since I was fucked to stupidity and so sore I couldn't walk the day after sex. Perhaps this will break that pattern too. I need to remember to seek the good and this may well be my next first, slightly terrifying step on the journey.
On my map, either choice is scary. I'm scared to do this, to be a fuck toy for a group of men I don't know, and I'm scared to put off the inevitable time when I will fuck someone other than SJ. The primary reason I want to go forward, experience this now and in this way, is to destroy that fear, that fear of being with someone else. It is better to vanquish this now than let it fester and sicken me. In this case, the path to healing lies in group sex. Wouldn't it be great if doctors could prescribe that instead of antibiotics! "Take two cocks and call me in the morning." Or three or four or eight or ten...
This isn't just about the physical aspects of sex though, this is also about building my self-esteem. recognizing that the lens through which SJ saw me, and therefore how I saw myself, is not how others see me.
And now, I can see that I am beautiful. And now, I can see that I am sexy. And now, I can see that I am desirable. And now, I can see that I'm lovely and vivacious and bubbly and adorable and resplendent with sexual energy. I am a light and people are attracted to me, to my light, not because I'm with some person in particular, but because I am what draws them.
I'm ready to let my light shine.
Beaming ~ KM Kern
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