I'm a little down in the dumps to be quite frank. I feel as though all the people I love have let me go.
It all started with Pixie returning to college out of state. This was harder on me than I had anticipated and I ignored the signs of depression that were evident at a glance. I knew I loved her, knew I depended on her, knew she was incredibly important and at the same time I knew, and know, how important it is for her to finish her degree. I wanted her to go and I want her to be a great success. I just didn't know how much it would hurt.
Then in February, Kirk, ex-boyfriend, long-term friend with benefits, announced that he was giving up sex for lent. This didn't affect just me. He had to "break-up" with 8 women around the country. Still, it was hard to give up that part of our friendship, especially since sex with him was the only real sex I could depend on getting on a regular basis. Once, twice, three times a month, and it was good sex, too, and it had always been good between us and suddenly, that was gone.
One short week later, SJ and I ended our M/s relationship and I was devastated. Let's be honest, I still am. I love him, miss him, want him back, and I go through periods, sometimes days of crying because I hurt so much and there seems to be no surcease to this sorrow, no end to this pain. I want to call "RED!!!" and have this horrible break-up scene end so that we can be back together. My toenails hurt, my hair follicles hurt, my eyelids hurt, each individual vertebrae is in searing agony and this pain just won't go away. I've begged him to take me back, I've begged him to marry me. He won't - he doesn't want me back, is happier without me. And that's what really hurts, the knowledge that he never wanted me in that way, that he loved me as best he could, but had never thought of me as a forever partner. I see our friends, multiples of them, getting married, this year and next year and I think, that should be us, we should be together, we should be getting married, and then I know real pain. Yes, I'm a masochist and can take anything anyone can dish out, because I know what real pain is and crucifixion is less painful than this, trust me, I know.
In the meantime, I've begun a relationship with a dear friend and have put my foot so deep in shit with his primary partner that I have no hope that we will ever be able to recover from the muck and mire. There was so much potential and I let myself believe that we had a shot. It was not to be, cherie`.
And now, today, I got some news. My forever girl, my lovely Liz, my rock, is moving to Philly to be with her Master. Scott and I will get her two months at a time of each 6 month period. I know she needs to do this. I know it will be a great adventure and one that will allow her to grow. I know it is another nail in my coffin and I simply don't have the strength not to cry over this tonight.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm sitting here crying for the loss of Liz, for this loss on top of so many losses this year. Each of these partners, I release any bonds I had so that they can journey down whatever path towards personal growth and fulfillment that they need to hike. I mean that sincerely. I wish them all well.
Tonight I also grieve for the losses, far too many this year.
